Why Dogs Are Better than Women

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs understand that you are their master.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs understand that farts are funny. 　　
Dogs are excited by rough play. 　　
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. 　　
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. 　　
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. 　　
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 　　
Dogs have ten breasts. 　　
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 　　
Dogs don't borrow your shirts. 　　
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. 　　
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. 　　
Dogs don't shop. 　　
Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had. 　　
Dogs don't cry. 　　
Dogs get excited when you take out the leash and choker chains. 　　
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 　　
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. 　　
Dogs seldom outlive you. 　　
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. 　　
A dog's parents never visit. 　　
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. 　　
Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up. 　　
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. 　　
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. 　　
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day. 　　
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

One Girl

One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.
Girl: Father, I have sinned.
Preacher: What did you do, little girl?
Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a "son of a Bitch."
Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?
Girl: He touched my breast.
Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)
Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.
Preacher: That's no reason to call him that.
Girl: But he also took off my cloth.
Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)
Girl: Yes, that's what he did.
Preacher: That's still no reason to call him that.
Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...
Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)
Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, that's what he did...
Preacher: My dear girl, that's still no reason to call him a...
Girl: But he had AIDS!!
Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

I hung him up to dry

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."

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It worked

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"